« Upon reading a fictitious story in his local tabloid, Chuck Norris ripped out the heart of its writer and used his blood to fertilize his lawn. To celebrate, Norris let Steven Seagal out of his cage and beat him mercilessly. Mr. T, who was also present, pitied the shit out of Segal. Norris then fucked your wife, and lit her body on fire using pure grain alcohol and bolts of lightning from his eyes. »